| (no subject) |
[Feb. 4th, 2007|11:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
i say this in practically every entry, but its been a while since i wrote in this. i actually kinda forgot it still existed cuz i get caught up with facebook and myspace. ive been sitting here for about 2 hours trying to start a paper, but i have no ability to do it. ive been reading the entries ive written and it feels like they are all so long ago. i miss the old days. i miss feeling the way i did in the entries that i wrote when i was with chris. i miss that butterfly feeling, and i miss him. he got married, and became more of a prick than he used to be. in some ways he became more caring, in others--he just never changed. lets see...i still hate holy cross.
i just want to be happy again. i want to have a time in my life that actually works out the way i want it to. im tired of being sad and being hard on myself. im sitting here writing this, and tears are rolling down my face. i hate this. i want to be smiling....i want to have a reason to smile. sometimes i think that there is no hope for me, and ill never get a boy that i want. i want a relationship--no more hook-ups. it messes with my head too much cuz i just get attached. idk, i just want something stable and something that makes me happy. on a brighter note, i start my diet tomorrow. lets see how well it works and hopefully ill actually stick to it. maybe this will be something that actually makes me happy. |
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| man oh man |
[Aug. 31st, 2006|11:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
its been just about 4 months since i last wrote on this. thats crazy. i am now a college student and it sucks ass. holy cross is not the place i wanna be. dont get me wrong, cuz most of the people are really nice, but i miss home a lot and i miss my friends like crazy. its really weird cuz i was reading my old entries and he 2nd one below this one, i wrote how i wish i could go far away to someplace like cali. but now i dont regret it. ive been so depressed cuz its a whole new thing for me and getting used to the school and the people and being away from home is nothing exciting. i have to read so much crap that its not even real. i hate reading and doing homework lol. and most importantly they dont even have the major that i want here. so im thinking about transferring either next semester or next year. well actually i am more than likely transferring, but i guess i have to give it a shot. its tough, really tough. and i dont know what i would do without ari and kayla and autumn (even tho i neversee her) here. i wouldve probably already have committed suicide.
and as for boys....i just dont have any luck. im sick of all of it. and i want a boyfriend, but guys are just assholes. i should probably be going to sleep seeing that i have class tomorrow morning and its fucking calculus with an indian woman who i cant really understand. its bad enough that i have to take calc and try to remember it, and then trying to understand the lady at the same time. it just doesnt work. theres so much reading that i have to do for all my classes that it sucks ass. uhh i cant wait to go home for the weekend and see my friends. |
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| your heart gives mine reason to beat... |
[May. 2nd, 2006|05:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the ataris- in this diary | ] |
i cant sleep. i fell asleep last night @ like 1 am and i woke up at 5:30 this morning. i dont know why. i guess i just have a lot on my mind. college is out of the way i guess. i decided on holy cross. prom is in 10 days, oh man thats a lot closer than it sounds, yea and everything is still up in the air. me and my friends dont plan things out which i hate cuz then i stress out about whats happening and what not and i just dont know what to do. the whole situation with whats happening after prom is still chaos cuz we dont know whos doing what and its just a mess. i dont know.
the past month or 2 have been a roller coaster of emotions and everything i could possibly imagine has happened. chris c. left for the airforce and apparently is getting married. i dont really know why that bothers me so much. maybe its cuz hes getting married to luceila, the girl he cheated on me with, or maybe i still have feelings for him....more than i realized i had. ehhh. guys in general stress me out and confuse me. just when you think they are different than any other guy and that they really care, they dont. they are the typical guy and only see a girl as something they wanna fuck. unfortunately im attracted to those assholes, typical guy and i hate it. but i cant help who i like.
so i had my ap spanish test today and yea that didnt go as well as i thought. the listening part was boring and the announcements kept interrupting it so we couldnt really hear it. and it didnt help that i didnt get enough sleep so i fell asleep during the listening part which is really bad. i woke up and i had 1/2 an hr to read like 7 passages in spanish and answer questions and i only got up to number 55 and they went up to 75, so that was bad. and then for the speaking part i paniced and couldnt really think of answers so i didnt really answer them so that was great. uhh. and then ap physics next monday, i dont even have hope for cuz i suck at physics this year and i dont try which is worse, but im over it. theres no more chance with me.
after school i went to the mall with shannon and got my second holes done =)
and my mom is currently not speaking to me lol. i feel bad but my dad said i could do it and my mom just makes a big deal about it and i know she'll get over it. i had shannon hold my hand as i got them done haha. yea im a big baby but its ok.
so i was talking to shannon today about her moving and what not, and i dont want her to move. i dont wanna go to college. i dont want to go to a new place where i wont know people, and not be able to see my friends everyday. im gonna miss shannon fay. and its sad thinking that i wont be driving around with her every morning and afternoon, and going to work together, and waiting for her to get out of work so that we can drive around aimlessly and rock out and pretend to be gangsters and look for hot boys down winthrop beach lol. =( shannon laura fay, im gonna miss ya kid, i dont know what im gonna do without you in college. this makes me sad. but i no longer want to think about it.
things are just going by way too fast. high school flew by, and prom seemed so far away but its not, and graduation is june 7th and its only 1 month away. thats just crazy. to think, 4 years went by like it was nothing, and it seemed like it was taking forever at first, but now its just not slowing down. as much as i might say that i hate this place, and i wanna get away, im gonna miss it no matter what. im done. |
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| woah |
[Feb. 4th, 2006|11:21 am] |
its crazy. its been over 2 months since i last came on this thing. and since then a lot has changed. i dont go out with chris anymroem cuz i got tired of always crying over him. i liked someone else but no need to touch on that. im always with shannon and this is the first time that i can say that i actually know that someone is there for me because she does care alot about me and worries and im glad that i have a friend like her.
im never home anymore just have and my parents get mad but i hate it here. i dont talk to any of my family and when i do i just end up fighting with them. my mom was supposed to take me to go look at prom dresses today but that didnt happen cuz by the time she came home it was too late for us to go cuz its crazy on a saturday and i have work at 1 so i would have to leave at like 12 and there would just be no point in going. and then my mom started crying saying that no one appreciates her and i feel bad but theres nothing i can do. i love my mom but i dont get along with my family, im just not close to them.
so tonight im supposed to be going out but i dont know how thats gonna work cuz after that i doubt ill be able to go anywhere. but whatever. i just want to get away form here. far away as possible and i dont think rhode island or amherst is far enough. i would much rather go to some place far liek cali but my dad already said no to that idea. i just want to go to college and do my own thing without having anyone on my back about it and i just want to get out of this fucking city and start fresh in some place where i dont know anyone and no one knows me meaning that i cant get hurt. and i can start something new and just move on. |
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| PowderPuff Champs c/o 2006!! |
[Nov. 20th, 2005|02:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
its been ove a month since ive last updated on here.
5 weeks of powderpuff has already come and gone and yesterday was our game vs. North Reading. we were all nervous thinking that we would be the first class to lose in 6 yrs, and just kinda doubting what we were able to do....but we did it. 36-0!! we ended up being the first class in which north reading never scored, not even once. it was a long 5 weeks but it was all worth it in the end. we made friendships with some girls who we would never even imagined to have been friends with. it was an awesome game. i myself got like 4 flags =).
it's sad cuz with powderpuff now over, we are one step closer to the end of senior yr, and graduating. and its sad to know that some of us will never see each other again or as often as we do in school everyday.
things between me and chris are ok at times. i dont really know what to think. i care about him a lot but i dont want to get hurt, and its not the case where i can just turn my back on him and never look back because ive tried and just couldnt do it. so i dont know what to expect from him anymore cuz everything is just so complicated. i dont think he realizes how much i like him and care about him, but theres nothing i can do. i dont really have anythign else to say. we have winter formal comign up december 17th...should be fun. we have our field hockey party in about an hour so i have to finish making the cupcakes. and thats pretty much it. |
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| happy birthday to me!! |
[Oct. 16th, 2005|11:24 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
today is my 18th birthday!! and im excited. im in philadelphia right now and getting ready to head bac home for a 7 hour drive. oh joy. i had fun tho. i got to go shopping at hollister and i was so excited cuz i never got to go there before so i had a blast. we went to the mall and didnt even walk through the whole mall becuasethe king of prussia mall is like 3 or 4 malls combined so its insane. then my sister too us around downtown philadelphia and we waled around and saw the liberty bell haha that was fun. amanda was excited cuz she wanted to see it. and then we went to the 30th street station and its so nice there and we ate there. then we came back to my sisters place and then left to head to our hotel. it was nice and cozy there, not too noisy or anything so i got to mae up for my sleep that i didnt have the night before because we had to get up at 3 am to drive here. today was the first practice for powderpuff and im not there. im curious to now how it went. today we went out to eat for breakfast with my sister and her friend nikki and it was good, but it gave me a stomach ache because its not like the dunin donuts stuff im used to but its ok. hopefully tho i will get home before 7 tonight so that i can go out for a lil bit. i had a good time here this weekend. now i have to get ready to head back home tho. thats it.
Happy Birthday To ME!!!! |
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| =) |
[Oct. 7th, 2005|04:31 pm] |
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9 days till my 18th birthday!!!! |
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| 10 days... |
[Sep. 24th, 2005|11:53 pm] |
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...till stephanie briana young's 19th birthday!! you know what that means? PARTY!! so everyone should bombard stephs house and work and wish her a happy birthday =). i love my wusband! |
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| its been a while |
[Sep. 23rd, 2005|05:22 pm] |
i havent updated in 3 weeks!! school had been ok i guess. ive been slacking a lot but i try sometimes. still have to get my recomendations and everything. SATS again in like 2 weeks. field hockey's been good...some people annoy me but thats an everyday kinda thing. work?...not much there. only work weekends now cuz of field hockey but thats ok. between school and field hockey, i dont really have much time for anything, but what can you do. im going up to philadelphia to visit my sister on oct. 15-16, and that means i wont be here for my b-day =(...but thats ok.
*** RHS FIELD HOCKEY FUND RAISER ***
PLACE: PAPA GINO'S ON SQUIRE RD IN REVERE
WHEN: MONDAY- OCTOBER 3, 2005 ANYTIME BETWEEN 4:00-8:00 PM
20% OF YOUR PURCHASE GOES TO THE FIELD HOCKEY TEAM
COME BY....WE'LL HAVE EXTRA FLYERS WHEN YOU GET THERE IF YOU DONT HAVE ONE!
P.S.- ITS SHANNON FAY'S B-DAY THAT NIGHT SO COME EAT AND WISH HER A HAPPY B-DAY!!
*** AND.... MY birthday is in 3 weeks and 2 days (october 16)
thats all. |
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| update |
[Sep. 2nd, 2005|02:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | yellowcard- only one | ] |
school started tuesday, and i have classes with all of my friends =)....each and everyone of them, so that makes this a good year. for classes i have psychology w/ bonnano, ap physics w/ meier, ap spanish w/ penta, calculus w/ szymanski(sp?), women in history w/ o'b, and english w/ pavey. there are certain people in some one my classes which i never ever expected to be in a class with cuz theyre all fucking morons, thats why i hate my electives. but its ok, cuz my best friends are in them so i dont have to deal with anyone else. field hockey...ehh not much to say on that. i thought it was going good but apparently not. but enough abotu that. i havent been to work since last friday and i miss it =[. i miss lauren and rachel and matt and everyone. but i have work tomorrow at 7:15 =/ so i guess its good cuz i will get to see everyone again, cuz i feel like its been weeks. its hot out, and im bored. 4 day weekend woo!! so im just being bored watching laguna beach reruns. and i think im done for now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 21st, 2005|10:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  moody | ] |
so ive decided lately that i dont really want to go back to school cuz that means im gonna see the people that i dont like. and i think now more then ever people are gonna be fake. beacuse you have those people who are friends with all the seniors and spend everyday of their life with them and now that they are leaving they arent gonna haven them around all the time so they need to go and befriend their old friends again. its not even something that affects me but please do me this favor...if you are gonna pretend to be my friend because all your other buddies are gone, and now you need someone to occupy your time...dont bother. im not in a good mood can you tell? maybe its pms i dont know. i was gonna update but now i just lost all interest. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 14th, 2005|10:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cold | ] |
i havent had a real update on this in a little while so i thought i would update now cuz im bored and have nothing to do. i hung out with shannon a few times this week and it was fun, as always of course. i slept over on wednesday. and it was funny. we thought we heard noises upstairs so we went looking for a possible criminal. meanwhile shannon has a screwdriver in hand haha so we go all over her house searching for something or someone and we went to check in her bathroom and we were afradi to check behind the curtain in the bathtub. so i said i would and shannon got a sandal, so she has a sandal in one hand and a screwdriver in the other, while i pulled the curtain back. we found nothing, but i was still scared lol. then thursday i went to canobie lake with my mom and sisters and my cousin and amandas little friend. im cold right now cuz the ac's on but i dont want to turn it off cuz then ill be hot again. i dont feel like writing anymore, not much more to write about anyways. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 5th, 2005|05:43 pm] |
haha my moms anorexic, my dads ugly as fuck, my brother is HOT!!...can we say incest =). my sisters emo and my boyfriends has a mullet and is a backstreet boy =(....what a family. |
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| its not strep |
[Jul. 28th, 2005|11:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | disappointed | ] |
so i just got home from the hospital. they tested whatevers on my tonsils and they said its not strep its some other infection but they wont get the results in for another day. they also tested me for mono cuz they said its a possibility that i could have that. and they drew blood =( and they took a lot too. uuhhh. |
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| copy and paste |
[Jul. 27th, 2005|01:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
yesterday was a long and tiring day. michele called and asked me to go swimming so i went to hop into the shower real quick cuz i was sticky, but that didnt end up too well. i ended up slipping and slammed my head off the toilet which left me with a huge cut on my eyebrow and it was gushing blood. so of course me being me, i finished washing my hair and then i went and called my mom and by this time i had blood all over my face. i ended up having to go to the emergency room at about 9:00 pm but it was packed so i didnt leave there till 1:00 am. i got 4 stitches. and i got home and just dropped dead cuz i had to be up at 7:00 cuz i had work at 7:15 am, and that wasnt fun. thankfully its not that swollen but i get them out in a week so its not that bad. and my head feels like some one beat me with a bat and i think along with this i may be getting strep throat. and thats pretty much it |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 25th, 2005|11:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
im bored and its hot out. not much to update on. saturday i went to the movies in boston with chris and we watched dark water. it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. haha we had never even heard of it but it was the only thing that was playing when we got there eveything else was like 1 hr later and we didnt want to wait. he wanted to see devils rejects really bad but i was afraid, but we might go see that soon. then we just went back home and hung around. apparently hes moving to stoneham this weekend and he has no car cuz his car broke down a couple of weeks ago. hes supposed to be buying a brand new car soon, but since he has to move this weekend, for now he might just get his old car fixed so he can come down and visit. apparently he likes to tell people that we go out. i would like to go out with him, but i dont know. i always have this doubt in the back of my mind. and not too many people would be happy with the thought of me going out with him. but hes a nice kid, as much as i might complain about him, he really is nice...well to me atleast lol. and i feel comfortable around him. the only thing that i hate is when he smokes, but hes trying to quit =) so im happy about that. he hasnt been smoking as much as he regularly would and when we hang out he doesnt smoke around me at all which is good because when i first met him he would have to smoke like every hour if not more. i really really like him. and i love talking to him and just being around him. and like i said before i get that butterfly in your stomach feeling. like i still get nervous when im around him. he said that he wants to make me fall for him and ultimately go out with him lol. hes a weird kid but i still like him. ive been a lot more happier lately. i havent had any worries and im glad. i like this feeling...a lot. i dont know. but anyways i dont have work tomorrow and i get to relax but unfortunately that wont last long cuz i have work at 7:15 am wednesday morning. uhh im gonna die =(
but yeah, thats pretty much it. i drove my sister to target today cuz she wanted to get somethings and she wanted starbucks, but it was closed by the time that she ended her shopping session. i finnaly got a new bag. i dont know if i like it much but ehh its something different. alright im done. |
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| if you keep on looking up at night, the stars will all eventually appear |
[Jul. 19th, 2005|10:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the quiet things that no one ever knows- brand new | ] |
so its been a week since i got my braces off and im finally used to not having them, but i bite the inside of my mouth a lot and it sucks. umm... last friday i went to canobie lake and it was nice to not have to go to work and i could just hang out with my friends. i had fun. i went earlier than everyone else with will and pat. and around 7:00 everyone else showed up. saturday i hung out with raffy and disha for a lil bit after work, waiting for nadine to come but she wasnt gonna be in revere till later on that night. so instead i just went and hung out with steph. nobody wanted to hang out with us....like the old times haha. we hung with sonia and her friend alicia for a few minutes, and steph got dirt down my shirt, thanks a lot steph!! lol
then we walked all the way to dunkin donuts down near kellys from point of pines, because i really wanted a coffee coolatta and a sausage egg and cheese on a plain bagel, yum! =) and then we walked all the way back to her house and it was good. we talked and ive missed talking to steph. things with chris are good. whenever i talk to him i get that butterfly in your stomach kinda feeling. cant eat, cant sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kinda thing...haha, i watched it takes two sometime last week so that was still in my head. i dont know if id ever be able to go out with him tho.
ive missed my other group of friends, i havent seen them since courtneys
b-day. i miss hanging out with shannon and michele, so ill have to hang out with them soon. school is just about a month away. i kinda cant wait to go back cuz i get to see my friends all the time, and field hockey starts up and i cant wait for that. i really do think im gonna have to quit work when schol starts, cuz between school, field hockey, homework and then powederpuff and gymnastics in the winter, and especially with it being our senior year, i dont think ill have time for work. the only time i would be able to work would be weekends, and i dont think stop and shop would like that all that much. going from working 5 to 6 days a week to only 2. yeah they probably wouldnt do that. oh well, ill just have to see how it plays out. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 12th, 2005|11:39 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | overjoyed | ] |
i got my BRACES OFF this morning!! =]
im excited and im sure that you are just as excited as i am!! |
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